When I knew that I lost you

I lost you, didn't I?
When I succumbed to those desperate desires,
sneaking out of this pile of self-destruction
just to dig into a well of false confidence
I lost you.

When I gave up on having your eternal company
just to allow my tongue to taste
a sip of your scent,
I lost you.

When I guaranteed, drunk and lonely,
that I could keep this train on track,
despite my clear eagerness for the wet touch
of your fucking lips;
when you asked me not to;
when I stripped down my clothes,
my lies
and my fears,
allowing you to look at me for the first time,
seeing so much more than your eyes had age to acknowledge;
I lost you.

When I granted myself the privilege
of belief, knowing the unwanted truth,
I lost you.


September 11, 2019